Fear of the blank page, they call it, fear of writing. It's just not like that, not really. I've never been afraid of the paper or in this matter the empty screen in front of me. I always wanted to believe it was, but now I know. I wan't to write, I want to imagine and form a poem, a story, anything, I want to create, but I can't. I used to be creative when I felt sad, misunderstood or frustrated. The feeling of not being heard and having to scream with no voice, made me write, forced me to put down my thoughts. Now, I actually felt happy, felt understood, felt wanted. The idea of writing about it was compelling but I couldn't ignore the fear of being forced back into sorrow, just by the mere action of holding the pen or letting my fingers guide me through the maze of words. Letting them choose for me, instead of concentrating on what I have to say. I thought it would automatically throw me back into that pit. Darkness, no hope and only a small chance of a bright future.
I avoided this as intense and actively as possible, but I can't stop it. The thought, the fear, the idea, let alone giving up everything I just gained in my new and improved life. With success, I fought the will to do this, until now. Somehow, I still think I shouldn't have even started on thinking about writing again, although I know I couldn't have changed the current situation I'm in with that thought alone. I wish it weren't, but the feeling that my need to write actually evoked this, is hard to ignore. All I can do is accept what happened, understand what is the present, and hope for tomorrow. For it will all be better, someday.
Even now, I can't find the words I'm looking for, can't fully depend on my fingers yet as I speculate too much, search too hard for the words that are unfindable in my mind, or at least unrecognisable. I crave for logic, explanations, and all I get are random scenarios telling me what I don't want to hear. For that, I'll quit this post right now. I don't expect people to read this, and if they do, I don't expect them to understand. I don't even understand. But no matter what, I'll smile and pretend to be happy, trying to convince myself of the fact that soon I'll know, soon I'll get answers, soon I'll see that everything is all right.