Don't get your hopes up
If you know they'll drop again
It won't be worth the shot
No matter if you can
Don't be afraid
To mend your own heart
It's no use to try and
Forever keep your guard
Don't slip away
into that world of hope
It's gonna be much more
Than you can ever cope
Don't be defeated
Before you tried your best
It's bound to be broken
That pain inside your chest
I guess I don't know what to tell myself sometimes. It seems life is good, and you expect it to continue that way, then suddenly everything changes. You're reminded that not everything is worth doing, not everything will change for the better. Not everything is meant to last.
I wrote this poem in less than 10 minutes, it reminds me of me getting my hopes up again and again, experiencing that life is good and then expecting it to last. It doesn't, and then I'm reminded that life isn't always fair, that things aren't always going to last, they're not meant to be. At the same time though, although they're not worth trying, it's worse to stop trying anyway. Some day something is bound to stay so you should keep expecting, keep trying.
I don't like endings, never did. It's like a part of your life washes away, however small or insignificant it is, it will never come back. You can never have a second first time on anything, you can never turn back time and do it right or enjoy what you experienced again. Endings make me sad, even the ending of a film or the ending of the day. There's this hole in your heart or mind which isn't filled yet with a beginning of something new. What will I be doing next? What should I find on my way into the future?
I've even dreaded the ending of the alphabet. Once you're through, you can't start again. Of course you could, but it wouldn't be right, wouldn't be the same as before. I've dreaded this letter I will write about today, the "z". Actually, I'm probably not even going to choose a word for it, I have absolutely no intention of browsing through that beloved Oxford Dictionary like I have been doing the past months, or year, or however long ago I started this.
Sometimes I say to myself, you have to be tough. You can't do this, or shouldn't do that. You can do those things, or well, maybe you can't. It's all right, yet it's not. Sometimes I don't understand myself, give myself bad advice or just incomprehensible. I make no sense whatsoever when I try so hard to make myself see something I already do, or will never be able to. Sometimes I just let things be, hanging on to them for too long in the hope they won't vanish before my eyes.
Every once in a while I'm lucky, and all the refusing and ignoring the obvious actually makes something stay. Every once in a while it doesn't beyond all odds. Most of the time there is absolutely nothing I can do, despite all the wishes, despite all the hopes. Moments come and go whenever they want to, just like people and anything else in this world. There is a moment for everyone and everything, no matter how hard we try to believe otherwise.
"Enter Post Title". As soon as I hover my mouse above that text, it disappears, making place for whatever I want to type as my "Post Title". How many times have I removed that text without thinking about it? How many times have I not realised one click is the end of an idea and the beginning of a draft? How many times have I removed that draft that so easily swept away the idea, taking all future possibilities with it? How many choices that I have made in the past were vital ones? Will I ever know what mattered and what didn't?
I know I have too many questions to answer, too many new questions coming from those answers whose answers lead to even more questions. I know I will probably never know any of the answers, but I'd like to think I do. If I stop believing, it will be yet another ending, the ending of a phase in life where I believed anything was possible and anything had an explanation. Maybe those explanations are overrated, maybe not, but I always thought there was one. No matter how small or insignificant, everything had a meaning and I liked it that way. Closure was safe, even though I didn't enjoy it as it meant yet another ending.
Thinking the things I think, and more so the amount and character of the things I think, has always been hard for me. Once I start thinking I'll never stop unless I explicitly tell myself to do so. I could go on and on about one little detail without realising it's just another excuse for not having to end my train of thought. Oh how I dread those moments where I realise it's going nowhere, my thoughts are going nowhere, just circling around 'till I see the same things enough times to start wondering whether I've seen them before, whether I've thought them before. Of course I have, but it's a soothing feeling, knowing what you'll think next yet believing you don't. Having to break that almost perfect cycle is one of the most painful endings I know. No matter what happens in life, it's always my mind that causes the greatest fear, pain and joy.
It's my own little world, and I don't want it to end. I don't want my letter "z".
Finally I have been able to post the video of me performing for the last music exams for flute, took some time editing and most of all getting it to the right format but for anyone interested in my music, visit Youtube.
The works I'm playing:
*Danse de la chèvre - Arthur Honegger
*Sonate - Francis Poulenc (part 2+1)
*Variace - Otmar Mácha
*Mazurka de Salon - Albert Franz Doppler
There was one thing I feared, and you knew it
There was one thing I really hated, and you knew it
There was one thing that hurt me the most, and you knew it
There was one thing I trusted you wouldn't do, and you knew it
There was one thing I told you, one thing I needed, and you knew it:
You knew it, yet went ahead and did it anyway
Thank you for breaking all those promises
Thank you for tearing down all the trust I had
Thank you for letting me relive the worst yet again
Thank you for keeping me waiting until I couldn't anymore
Thank you for making me that much stronger, making me realise:
You despised him, yet became him in the end
There was only one thing, and you knew it
Word of the day: Yesteryear
It's hard to see life slip by, to see promises broken and dreams torn apart. Every single day I wish it weren't the case, every single day I hope it'll go back the way it was. It's not just knowing what could have been, it's mostly the doubting about what was. If those promises are broken, if those dreams are torn apart, was the rest ever true? How can be a part of that be real, and a part of it not? The hardest thing is trying to tell yourself that not everything was a lie, that not everything was meant to disappear into nothingness. If only one could fool oneself enough to believe it.
It's hard to see life slip by, to miss people for a month, a year or even more than two. You hope time can stand still, that the clock will stop ticking and the world will pause around you but it doesn't. All you can do is wish, pray and hope. Sometimes your dream comes true, even after all those times, sometimes it doesn't. You need to believe and remember it'll be okay, it'll be all right.
Sometimes it's hard to remember though, although sometimes it's even harder to cope with forgetting. Of course there are some things I'd rather not remember doing or saying or seeing but there are much more things that I want to remember, rather than forget. Sure I've had some rough years but hasn't everyone? I only wish I didn't forget so soon. Some people may think, isn't it better to forget the past problems and get on with life? I guess it is. What I believe though, is that no matter things have been either great or gruesome, you absolutely need to remember every bit of it in order to find precious what you have now. Without the bad you can't fully appreciate the good, without the good you don't know what is bad.
I miss the times my problems were worse but clear. Easy to solve, yet not for the long shot. I really miss those times. I don't miss the problems, of course not. I just long for the good moments in between. Everything that happened made me hold on to those little good things, those treasured people and lost moments. Trough all I was, and all there was around me, they made my life, literally. Some come back, some don't I guess. It's hard to remember those times, but it beats forgetting.
To get back to the present, I'm listening to some music played in the centre of our town, ironically a song from back then. -- I listen silently for a minute and think about what I just wrote. I wish I could know who will read this, I wish to see your thoughts, your expressions. Some people will know what I'm talking about, some may not. I can only hope the right ones do and the others don't or only basically. That's the beauty of this blog, perhaps no one reads is, perhaps a lot of people. It's okay, I write to write, to not forget what I think.
I know that officially I made this another blog for word of the day, though I haven't really explained the word(s) of today in here.. So here it goes for anyone who got to here and still wants to read more: Yearning was obviously present already so no need to explain that one, Yonks is another word for a very long time and I guess is just a nice word, Yesteryear means the last year, or the recent past. Unlike yesterday which is only a quite small period of time, longing for yesteryear sounds intenser. Yore means former times or long ago, which is also pretty much already mentioned here.
Kudos and good night,